Violation of Self

There is violation in saying yes or not saying no to that which you do not want. It is not being violated by another, or letting yourself be violated, as much as violating or betraying the self.

When I don’t say “no”, I leave the situation feeling spiritually raped. Not by you, but by myself. I stumble to my own space feeling used and empty. I cry silent tears if I cry at all. Not wanting you to witness my guilt.

I have lived so long wanting to please others. I have characterized myself as submissive, giving, caring, pleasing, being a doormat- whatever name fit the situation, that absolved me of responsibility. But, I see now the wrongness of this view. Being pleasing is not a character trait. It is a choice, born of the desire to be more likeable. I let that desire shred my soul, until it came to pass that I had no idea who I was anymore.

I still don’t know who I am. But, I no longer violate myself by saying yes when I mean no. I no longer need you to like me because I will say yes whenever you ask. If you like me it will be for what I am. If you do not that is OK too; I discovered I like me at the very least.

And to those fantasies of submission? They work best when they remain fantasies.