Between obessions

I don't like things or enjoy things or love people/things/experiences. I get obsessed. 

My obsessions are generally short lived. A couple weeks, maybe a couple months. 

Sometimes it's a project I am working on. If my obsession lasts, I can get it finished. If not, I'll get frustrated and abandon it. Most things I abandon linger in my head and it comes back around. 

Video games come back around as well. Mass Effect to Skyrim to Sims to Dragon Age to Minecraft. Goes in a circle. 

I'm between obsessions. All of them. No video games, no story to write, no book to read, no hot guy to stalk. 

I am bored. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I hate cleaning. 

the picture

I looked for it and it's gone now. but you shared it, and it made me realize. Even though, we don't fit into each other's lives any longer. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I will always have regrets of you, but it's best we've gone our separate ways. But I will always love you. But this is as close as you'll ever come to knowing it.

Untitled

When I was a teen, I wrote poetry, prolifically.

The problem was, and still is, I am crap at titles. I hate titles. They are the last thing I do when I write a book. So I have hundreds of poems without titles.

I miss cutting. I'm not even badly depressed or experiencing deep emotional pain.

But maybe that's the reason, I"m not feel much of anything. I am apathetic, I am emotionless, I am bored to death.

Cutting would at least be feeling something.

I guess that is probably depression. But, I have no compulsion to do much about it.

Two reasons

I wind up posting here for one of two reasons.

1) I'm feeling romantic/dreamy.

2) Self-loathing.

Lately I've been feeling like I am 20 year old me. Not 32 year old me, though I haven't felt the body's age in years.

Old issues coming up. Unresolved feelings, regrets, old wishes and dreams. Talking to people from the past. Trying to find the old connection. Getting caught up in old obsessions.

I have found the best way to deal with my mind, is to let it go. Acknowledge the feelings, let myself get caught up in them if need be. But realize that they are just thoughts. Just because I have a fantasy about being in an open relationship or fucking the guy from my past that I never had the chance to, doesn't mean I need to run off and try to do those things. \\

I used to believe, if I felt something I had to pursue it, that it was going to happen, or at I wanted it to happen.

There's a paradox. I desire/fantasize about/feel something, but I don't want it.

I do think that writing romance comes from my long-felt, never acted upon, desire to be in an open relationship. I recently said it was because I wanted to experience being a slut. Which I sorta do. But I also long to flirt with people- it makes me feel sexy and fun. I long to make out with people.  I think those are the kinds of slut I want to be, not an actual slut.

It's just a random thought that passes by my head on occasion. I have no idea what it would be like in practice. Maybe I would hate it.

Alright. Random thoughts from my head. This is my journal. But I feel better about it if I put it in public. Is that weird?  Not so public that I'll share it social media, but public enough that I can imagine certain people are reading it and thinking of me. Even if they aren't. weird right?

not saying no

It's nights like this I fucking hate you.

Nights like this I feel violated. Feeling like my body isn't my own.

Nights like this I hate myself for not saying no. For being silent. For being here at all.

When the unthinkable seems reasonable. 

Maybe it's punishment for my sins. It kind of feels that way. I am good at self loathing and self-punishment. Some people have scars upon their soul, my scars 

It's nights like this I fucking hate myself.

i don't think i've loved anyone for a long time. not even myself. 

Indulging in Fantasy

Just a fantasy. Nothing more or less.

He was sexy. There was no denying that. He also scared me. I remember the flash of wonder, "What would it be like?"

I didn't want to get physical. The thought didn't cross my mind. All I wondered is What would it be like to to taste those lips?

I see it in my mind. We're in a tete a tete and I lean in close, touch my moth to a cheek perhaps, maybe lips. If I am lucky there will be lips.

Would he be surprised? Then he'd recover, pull me close, kiss me back. Warm strong lips.

Could I acquire a new taste for beer in the depths of his mouth?

I swoon, visibly I fear, at the thought of tangling tongues. I have to walk away, to regain control.

His hands look capable. If I let myself I could imagine them all over my body. I could weave a fantasy where they elicit delighted gasps and waves of pleasure.

But, those thoughts lead down a dark path. Hiding away in the dark, to do what I swore I didn't want to do.

I don't want to even really share a kiss. It's enough to imagine, to fantasize. It's fun to dream what could be without indulging one bit in setting forth into reality.

Violation of Self

There is violation in saying yes or not saying no to that which you do not want. It is not being violated by another, or letting yourself be violated, as much as violating or betraying the self.

When I don’t say “no”, I leave the situation feeling spiritually raped. Not by you, but by myself. I stumble to my own space feeling used and empty. I cry silent tears if I cry at all. Not wanting you to witness my guilt.

I have lived so long wanting to please others. I have characterized myself as submissive, giving, caring, pleasing, being a doormat- whatever name fit the situation, that absolved me of responsibility. But, I see now the wrongness of this view. Being pleasing is not a character trait. It is a choice, born of the desire to be more likeable. I let that desire shred my soul, until it came to pass that I had no idea who I was anymore.

I still don’t know who I am. But, I no longer violate myself by saying yes when I mean no. I no longer need you to like me because I will say yes whenever you ask. If you like me it will be for what I am. If you do not that is OK too; I discovered I like me at the very least.

And to those fantasies of submission? They work best when they remain fantasies.