He was sexy. There was no denying that. He also scared me. I remember the flash of wonder, "What would it be like?"
I didn't want to get physical. The thought didn't cross my mind. All I wondered is What would it be like to to taste those lips?
I see it in my mind. We're in a tete a tete and I lean in close, touch my moth to a cheek perhaps, maybe lips. If I am lucky there will be lips.
Would he be surprised? Then he'd recover, pull me close, kiss me back. Warm strong lips.
Could I acquire a new taste for beer in the depths of his mouth?
I swoon, visibly I fear, at the thought of tangling tongues. I have to walk away, to regain control.
His hands look capable. If I let myself I could imagine them all over my body. I could weave a fantasy where they elicit delighted gasps and waves of pleasure.
But, those thoughts lead down a dark path. Hiding away in the dark, to do what I swore I didn't want to do.
I don't want to even really share a kiss. It's enough to imagine, to fantasize. It's fun to dream what could be without indulging one bit in setting forth into reality.
There is violation in saying yes or not saying no to that which you do not want. It is not being violated by another, or letting yourself be violated, as much as violating or betraying the self.
When I don’t say “no”, I leave the situation feeling spiritually raped. Not by you, but by myself. I stumble to my own space feeling used and empty. I cry silent tears if I cry at all. Not wanting you to witness my guilt.
I have lived so long wanting to please others. I have characterized myself as submissive, giving, caring, pleasing, being a doormat- whatever name fit the situation, that absolved me of responsibility. But, I see now the wrongness of this view. Being pleasing is not a character trait. It is a choice, born of the desire to be more likeable. I let that desire shred my soul, until it came to pass that I had no idea who I was anymore.
I still don’t know who I am. But, I no longer violate myself by saying yes when I mean no. I no longer need you to like me because I will say yes whenever you ask. If you like me it will be for what I am. If you do not that is OK too; I discovered I like me at the very least.
And to those fantasies of submission? They work best when they remain fantasies.