Violation of Self

There is violation in saying yes or not saying no to that which you do not want. It is not being violated by another, or letting yourself be violated, as much as violating or betraying the self.

When I don’t say “no”, I leave the situation feeling spiritually raped. Not by you, but by myself. I stumble to my own space feeling used and empty. I cry silent tears if I cry at all. Not wanting you to witness my guilt.

I have lived so long wanting to please others. I have characterized myself as submissive, giving, caring, pleasing, being a doormat- whatever name fit the situation, that absolved me of responsibility. But, I see now the wrongness of this view. Being pleasing is not a character trait. It is a choice, born of the desire to be more likeable. I let that desire shred my soul, until it came to pass that I had no idea who I was anymore.

I still don’t know who I am. But, I no longer violate myself by saying yes when I mean no. I no longer need you to like me because I will say yes whenever you ask. If you like me it will be for what I am. If you do not that is OK too; I discovered I like me at the very least.

And to those fantasies of submission? They work best when they remain fantasies.

An open letter on change

Dear World,

I'm tired of playing whore, slut. I enjoyed it for a while, but it's lost the appeal. There seemed to be some unfinished business in doing so, but I've moved past it now. I can't be that girl anymore.

It came to me as I changed my profile in some public place, where I hadn't been true tomyself and was changing it.

I won't stop writing erotica/porn. I won't stop loving everyone. But, I may be off the radar otherwise. You know where to find me.

There is great freedom in letting go. Even if it feels like it might break a little piece of me. It hurts. I love you.

C. Wright Mills:

Freedom is not merely the opportunity to do as one pleases; neither is it merely the opportunity to choose between set alternatives. Freedom is, first of all, the chance to formulate the available choices, to argue over them -- and then, the opportunity to choose.

Late evening November thoughts

Fancy is such an odd creature. Knowing neither reason nor ideal. Sometimes I feel like my heart is not wholly connected to the mind. I love without knowledge or understanding. I love beyond ability or reason. I love for the sake of loving.

But, it is you that I feel in my soul at this moment. I wish I had an explanation for feeling the way I do. But the heart has it's own reasons, of which I cannot explain.

The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.
Blaise Pascal